Why Adultery Is Harmful Even Before It's Discovered
When we talk about adultery and its harmful effects, the
focus is usually on what happens after the infidelity is discovered or
revealed, and whether the cheater should admit to what he or she did. Often,
you hear that the only reason for cheaters to confess is to make themselves
feel better and relieve their guilty conscience (even if only slightly), with
no benefit to their partners. But a recent testimonial from a celebrity divorce
casts doubt on this simplistic advice.
Recently, Hollywood producer Kai Cole wrote an incredibly
moving statement about her marriage and divorce to Joss Whedon, best known as
the creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and director of the first two Avengers
films. She speaks eloquently as someone who lived through the experience of
betrayal and revelation, discussing the effects on her mental well-being as
well as the hypocrisy of a man who was publicly celebrated as a feminist while
privately displaying a profound disrespect for women. (The last point is
highlighted by Marykate Jasper at The Mary Sue.)
The passage that struck me the most—and apparently a lot of
other people, judging from the reaction on Twitter—is this (emphasis mine):
Despite understanding, on some
level, that what he was doing
was wrong, he never conceded the hypocrisy of being out in the world preaching
feminist ideals, while at the same time, taking away my right to make choices
for my life and my body based on the truth.
This is how adultery is harmful even before it is found out,
or even if it never is. The people who are cheated on have no idea it happened,
and as a result are living in ignorance of the truth of their relationships and
making choices regarding their lives with only some of the information they
need and deserve.
It's often acknowledged that the true harm in adultery is
betrayal, but this doesn't mean only the broken promise of exclusivity. It is
also a betrayal of respect in that the cheaters denies their partners relevant
information about their lives, leaving them to believe their partners are
faithful and make decisions in the context of this false belief.
As many commenters on Twitter noted, this can have serious
ramifications regarding sexual health, but on a more basic level, people who
are unaware they are being cheated are making decisions based on beliefs about
their relationship that are mistaken and purposefully kept that way by their
cheating partners. The cheaters are manipulating their partners, keeping them
in the dark to protect themselves, and compounding the harm of the cheating
itself by keeping their partners ignorant at the same time. This is why, in the
question of whether to admit your affair after it's over, I recommend doing
it—not to clear your conscience, but to give your partner information that is
necessary for them to move forward with their lives, with or without you, but
with all the relevant information they deserve.
If we learn anything from Ms. Cole's horrible experience,
let it be the fact that people can be hurt without being aware of it,
especially by manipulative lies that leave people vulnerable to bad decisions
as well as broken hearts and relationships. The saying "what you don't
know can't hurt you" is wrong—the fact that you don't know about the harm
can often make it hurt even more.
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